(NOTE from Sherry: I’ll be honest. This post made me squirm a bit. I’m not one who is comfortable discussing private things in public, even natural functions that are common to us all. That said, however, Don is a master of words and I think he’s taken such a subject and made it entertaining and amusing, even while expressing his thoughts on it. I am adding this very tiny CW* here, however, just in the event that anyone may believe this is too indelicate for their sensibilities and chooses not to read on; I want to respect that, too. And I am happy to share it with those who are happy to read it!)
*content warning
WHY WE MISS
Women, I’ve noticed, seem to have a low-grade disdain for men because the men sometimes miss the toilet. The low-grade disdain could be from a generalized assumption that men aren’t careful. I have seen signs: “We aim to please. You aim, too, please.”
This is not all that important, but it needs to be talked about.
Did you know women miss, too? When the flow is fast and hard. When a hair misdirects the stream. When they should have been there seconds sooner. When the water splashes.
Sure. Some men are slobs (some women, too). They don’t care and don’t even try to “aim.” However, even though this is not a “what men talk about” subject, most men do make the attempt to hit the target. It is an ingrained higher intelligence behavior to direct that gusher. We also compete against ourselves to achieve a higher score than last time.
However, there are many issues which war against manly bathroom hygiene. First and second, go ahead and try to relieve yourself 20 inches from the opening and you (ladies) may find that it is not as simple as it sounds. That is the first problem…distance. Toilets are not at the ideal height or shape for target practice. Urinals are generally much closer targets. They are also designed for maximum catch (toilets are not).
Since I scored CLEP credits for science I never had to take a college-level biology course. So, I don’t know the actual names for body parts (with a few exceptions … toes, I know toes). Hopefully you will pardon me if I get some of this wrong.
Men miss for all the reasons women do, plus some. I have already mentioned two additional reasons. Some have suggested that men should sit down. That is crazy. You women already know why this is not the perfect solution. How often do you feel pressure to go? Well, women feel that more often than men (generally speaking … please understand I am not trying to diagnose physical issues). One reason women have more urges is that it is difficult to EMPTY that big balloon (the actual technical name, I believe) while sitting down. I have, indeed, tried the “sitting down” thing. When I stood after the feat, I found I was not “completely satisfied.” If I turned and allowed nature to take its course, I would finish draining. Creating a two-step process from a one-step one is unproductive and wasteful (should I use that word here?) Thus, that suggestion is a non-starter.
I cannot tell you how many times I have missed in the middle of the night. #1 not awake #2 it is dark. However, I must admit that my percentage of misses is much higher in the wee wee hours of the night (is that why it is called that?). I can’t aim and I can’t even see what I should be aiming at…even if my eyes were open and not crossed. The need is for speed…it woke me up and insisted; it was more than a request.
Now for a few additional reasons men tend to miss:
Cross winds. Gotta be truthful. If you have ever used one of those outbuildings where there is a wall gap at the bottom and top for maximum ventilation … this can be a serious problem. One gust and there is spray everywhere. Often there is nothing around to clean it up either.
Glue. I mentioned that I don’t know about biology, but there is something that sometimes happens near the tip of the delivery system. The straw (another technical term) is sometimes stuck to itself. Stop me if this is too gross. The liquid, not finding a clear opening, jets in every possible direction. I kid you not! It happens without warning and there is absolutely nothing to do but accept one’s fate.
Nerve damage. Well, not really. The truth is that, like many body activities, at times there are fewer nerve cells than needed. We can feel the pressure at the balloon-thingy. We can (sometimes) feel the muscle that keeps it all in and which has to open to let it out, but we can’t actually tell where the liquid is at any particular point in the tubes and canals. I am sometimes surprised, when I think enough time has elapsed, to find that just as I should be “finished” there is still a significant portion remaining in the pipeline. Believe me, I am as stunned as you would be if you were there at that time.
Multi-tasking. Science and sociology have been warning us about this problem for some time. You shouldn’t text AND drive. You shouldn’t even walk and chew gum (some people). This applies to standing over the toilet as well. Some, in the attempt to achieve more productivity, try the doomed multi-task thingy. It seldom works well. Most learn this early and merely endure the time it takes. Most men at urinals, standing shoulder to shoulder, do not engage in casual banter. Some never learn (they are absolutely too sure of and seriously over-rate their abilities). Nope! Don’t brush teeth AND this. Don’t comb your hair AND this. Don’t whistle “Dixie” AND this. It is time for single-minded attention.
Bathroom Alzheimer’s. Some men’s minds wander as soon as they unzip. This is not uncommon. In today’s world there are so many concerns and problems and sometimes the only opportunity to think about them is when that man has ONLY one task in front of him.
Slightly different subject (because I can’t imagine writing an entire post about it)… As a service provider who was forced to use public facilities for 30 years, I have 3 complaints regarding other men’s public bathroom behaviors:
1. Doing the task with the ring seat down. I know you don’t want to get your precious hands dirty (so you can skip washing them on the way out). You know you are being rude to the next occupant, right?
2. Neglecting the chore of restoring the ring seat to its proper position. If the next person is in a maximum hurry, this adds an extra step they may not (at that exact moment) have time to do.
3. Avoiding cleaning up after yourself. If you were raised in a human home, you should have learned the appropriateness of cleaning up your own messes. Don’t leave it unflushed. Don’t leave a wet or messy seat. Forward kindness to the next person who is forced to endure that public facility. Be an adult.
I think this has cleared the air, don’t you?
Copyright 2023 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms, as I do, and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere. ~ Sherry]
MORE OF DON’S GREAT GUEST POSTS:
~ Helpful Pests ~ Giving Up Your Seat ~ Obedience ~ Good Mental Habits ~ Winning The Lottery ~
~ Why Sarcasm Does Not Translate ~ OOPS! That’s How I Write ~ The RE-COLONIZATION of America, pt. II ~
~ Laws The U.S. Should Enact ~ The Re-Colonization Of America, pt. I ~ How To Retire On Less ~ State Song ~
~ The “Holier Than Thou” Attitude of “The Boy Who Cried ‘Wolf’” ~ THE TRUTH ~ H.A.L.T ~ Where’s The Clamor? ~
~ Parents Who Lie ~ Odd Places ~ Internet Is Fragile ~ Shopping ~ Student Loans ~ A Government ~
~ Going To Church ~ Anheuser-Busch ~ Hans Van Doorn ~ he Wrong Problem ~ Talking About Money ~ Trustworthy ~
~ A Life More Beautiful ~ TECH with ATTITUDE! ~ Black Drink ~ Public Schools III ~ Public Schools II ~ Public Schools I ~
~ 5-Star Reviews ~ Fractions Matter! ~ Small Spoons ~ Dumpster ~ Weird Forgiveness III ~ Weird Forgiveness II ~
~ Weird Forgiveness I ~ Classified Documents ~ Future You Needs A Friend ~ Feeling Understood ~
~ Starting The New Year Right ~ Awe! Aah! Ooh! ~ Christmas As A Poor (Rich) Child ~ Bigger Problems ~ Blessing ~
~ Climate Change – 2 ~ Medical Science Too Far? ~ Gravity and Light ~ Travel Fun ~
~ Fascinating People: Gloria Hartman Doughty ~ Sadly Magic Words ~ Mulberries ~ Climate Change? ~
~ SPURIOUS UBIQUITOUS NOISE ~ TEW ~ Credit Card Debt ~ Insect Oddities ~ DATA ~
~ Cities Got Name? ~ The Bible Does Not Say That! ~ Too Old?? ~ Be My Guest ~
~ IN-CRE-MEN-TAL-ISM ~ Bad Friends & Broken Tools ~ Pools Are For The Birds?? ~
~ Animals Hindering Your Financial Freedom ~ The Chicken ~ Finding The Exit ~ Allegheny Blackberries ~
~ Romantic Sunset At The Beach ~ Fun Facts About Carpenter Ants ~ Bad Habits ~
~ Doing Faith Wrong ~ Quirky! ~ Ten-Foot Trestle ~ Settling Estates ~ Living In High Horse Country ~ The Dying Generation ~
To everyone who read to the very end…thank you.
To everyone who read to the very end – isn’t this a GREAT post??? Well worth the read and, IMHO, one Don’s best!
very thoughtful and on target.. where’s the Cheerio… add to these that due to some medications for say Cancer that straw has shrunk due to a lack of certain biological chemicals that would spread the Cancer through the body if said chemicals were not shut down.
And some have to wear pull ups because they have no bladder control. That of course goes back to urgency.
To owly and Pete Peters: Thank you for your comments.
When I took the task of writing this, unlike most articles, I sat down with a yellow legal pad. I was not intending to create a post and was merely playing with the concepts (I don’t even remember why now). A daughter read it and remarked, “Definitely your writing style, but an uncharacteristic topic!”
it was very good and explained a lot for the unknowing. I would guess Mothers of boys understood my Cheerios comment