PARENTS WHO LIE
I cannot say that my parents told me many lies. I know of a few fables, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. There were also some “family secrets,” like “Don’t talk about this with _____ (someone’s name).” They were honest parents. If they promised something, they did everything they could to honor their promises. Yet, once I was promised ice cream after my Tonsillectomy … and never got a single spoonful. I doubt it was intentional.
I can think of a few cases where they told me I could go somewhere “when I was older.” My cousins would go with my older brothers to the county fair. Of course, I never did get to go for some reason or other. Obviously, I wanted to go because my cousins were visiting…and when I was older, so were they.
Even so, every untruth (even unintentional) was felt and was upsetting. My wife had the same experience. Whether your family is highly functional or not, a lie still negatively affects the one lied to. It hurts. It wounds.
I wish I could report that talking about raising children ourselves, my wife and I decided BC (before children) that we would do everything we could to always tell the truth to our kids. We didn’t decide that early enough. I guess it gradually became standard, however. We came up with strategies for situations where we felt it was inappropriate to tell the whole story. For example, “Here’s the part you need to know…” I believe we were successful. Our kids knew that if we told them something it was the truth as far as we knew.
Then, watching other parents we became confused… Some were lying their heads off to their kids. Sometimes they lied even when the truth would have had a better result. It made no sense. Kids aren’t stupid (some, it turns out, are…). It isn’t long before they “learn” that lying is OK (after all, their parents lied to them all the time). They also learned that they could not trust what their parents said. So, when the kids became teens and their parents told them to stay away from drugs…or alcohol…or whatever…they had no reason to believe them.
I recently read a long list of lies kids heard from their parents. A VERY LONG LIST. Most of the lies are just stupid. A 3 year old might believe them, but a 7 year old … nope!
Parents! What is up with your lies? This is going to backfire just about the time when it becomes hardest to parent (when they reach age 13-14). When your teen needs you most is the very point they figure out that you have been lying to them all along. Bread crusts will not make them stronger! Stealing cookies does not make their hair curl! Come on!!!
Secondly, you need to tell the truth when talking to others when your kids are near. Don’t call in “sick” when you just want a day off. Truth is truth and a lie never is. Be more careful to tell the truth than you are to avoid swearing around them. (And you should watch your potty-mouth!)
Then we found out that many couples lie to each other, too! WHAT???? What would be the purpose of that? He wants a new set of golf clubs and never tells her that he just blew $2,300 on them (the $2,300 she was saving toward their vacation). First, that’s selfish. Second, it hurts him, too. Third, guess what happens when she finds out (and she will).
What’s up with all this lying? Every lie seems to be a short-term “solution” to a long-term problem. That’s what government does, not thoughtful people.
Yet, in talking to folks it seems each liar has an excuse for their own lies, but hates it when others lie to them. I guess there are hypocrites everywhere (expecting others to live up to standards you don’t follow).
In 2014 Psychology Today wrote: “Researchers at MIT have found that children are not gullible, and can in fact sense when parents are lying to them, causing them to distrust the very people who are their caretakers. Children also know when parents are withholding information.”
Elisa Cinelli posted an article in FamilyEducation in December, 2022 saying, “New research suggests that lying to our kids—even those little white lies that help us with discipline—makes it more likely for our kids to hide the truth when they get older.”
Other researchers say that certain lies to children are OK (that is, they are not harmful in the long-term).
1) Things like “mystery” (Santa Claus, for example). However, almost all agree that there will be a day of reckoning when your child will be told by a classmate or uncle. So, it is probably best to have a reveal-day planned.
2) What happened to the pet rabbit? Yup! They may be too young to understand death just now. However, they will be old enough at some point, especially if grandma has stage 4 cancer. They need to understand the truth and YOU should be the one to explain it.
However, few experts recommend the following kinds of lies.
1) Disappointment. Don’t lie about this. The earlier children learn to deal appropriately with disappointment the stronger their sense of well-being will be.
2) Relationships. Don’t lie about this. If you and your spouse are divorcing, you need to be honest. Kids are not stupid. They know their parents are angry with each other. If this is not handled honestly kids sometimes think THEY are the cause, or that THEY should do something to keep you together, or that THEY need to take sides. Tell them the truth. Again, if you don’t know how to handle this there are many articles you can read.
3) Never let a lie be the parent. You can’t lie yourself out of raising your kids.
Parents, think this one through!
Final thought: “Truth is power.” In fact, there is no better way to be a loving parent than to teach through example that truth is beautiful.
Copyright 2023 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms, as I do, and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him elsewhere. ~ Sherry]
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