TRUSTWORTHY?
[NOTE: This post is a long one. Grab a cup of coffee and reflect.]
How can you be reasonably certain that you can trust a coworker? A friend? A spouse? Is there a way to prevent being used?
If we could only answer that issue, maybe we could avert many problems at work, in our social lives, and in our loving relationships.
Honestly, there ARE some tells. If you are alert and pay attention, you may notice some red flags. There are hundreds of articles about this. Yet, even then there is not a 100% sure way to tell when you are in trouble.
Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book “The Speed of Trust” says: “Trust is a function of two things: character and competence. Character includes your integrity, your motives, your intent with people. Competence includes your capabilities, your skills, your results, your track record. And both are vital.”
Anne Marie Squeo in a March 3, 2022 article “How to Tell Who You Can Trust at Work” quotes Covey, then goes on: “I’d add a third component: consistency.”
Those are helpful. Character, Competence, and Consistency. Someone who checks those boxes is probably trustworthy.
However, the wiser person takes time and gathers all the facts before making a decision. Aha! So that is the fourth necessary component… Character, Competence, Consistency and Time. Maybe that is part of the problem? Perhaps people don’t give relationships enough time and they don’t observe the behaviors of others long enough to get a full picture BEFORE jumping into “trusting” relationships with coworkers, friends, and lovers.
Melanie Greenberg, in an article in Psychology Today (11/4/2014), discusses this. In summary: 1) Step back and take time to think. 2) Beware of the hard sell. 3) Beware of people who move too fast in relationships. 4) Ask yourself what this person is really about. 5) Use your wise mind.
Good advice. Hopefully many will heed it.
In a January, 2017 study, “Who is Trustworthy? Predicting Trustworthy Intentions and Behaviors,” by Emma Edelman Levine, T. Bradford Bitterly, Taya R. Cohen, and Maurice E. Schweitzer which draws on research from criminology, clinical psychology, and personality psychology (long sentence, sorry). In the study they identified one very strong predictor of trustworthy intentions and behavior. “Importantly, we find that GUILT-PRONENESS predicts trustworthiness better than more commonly examined traits…” [The more commonly examined traits are in the categories of extroversion, openness, agreeableness, neuroticism, conscientiousness, and honesty.]
Guilt-proneness? Hmmm! That is not the same as feeling guilty? No, not quite.
If you read advice columns, often you will begin to see a theme of mistrust in relationships. A spouse cheats and blames the other for his or her cheating, a friend steals money and feels no remorse, a coworker appears friendly but is merely gathering personal info to use against the unsuspecting new hire. These things happen not just to people who write to advice columnists. In fact, I see it quite often on my own street, as do you.
So, WHAT IS “guilt-proneness?”
Taya Cohen has collaborated with several others in the last few years to answer that question and has developed a Five-Item Guilt Proneness Scale. It is an easy “test” for ordinary people to complete and understand. It is also very eye opening about why trust is so important. Quoting from her Scale: “As you read this scenario, try to imagine yourself in that situation. Then indicate the likelihood that you would react in the way described.” The choices are “Extremely Unlikely, Unlikely, About 50% Likely, Likely, Extremely Likely.” Following I mention just one of the 5 items.
Here is one scenario: “After realizing you have received too much change at a store, you decide to keep it because the salesclerk doesn’t notice. What is the likelihood that you would feel uncomfortable about keeping the money?”
I am sure my answer would be “Extremely Likely” to be uncomfortable.
That answer predicts, but does not guarantee, that you could trust me at work, as a friend, or as a close companion. Several people over the years have told me incredible secrets about themselves which they have mentioned to no one else…and I have never broken the trust they placed in me. An “Extremely Unlikely” or “Unlikely” response to this first test could be enough to justify questioning your trust in a person. She has 4 more “tests.”
The thing is, if you have gotten to know someone well, you could probably answer this question with that person in mind. After all, people reveal who they really are if you are watching and listening, and YOU SHOULD BELIEVE what they have revealed.
You have met folks who, when given a situation where there is a choice that would benefit THEM but harm someone close to them, will likely choose that which benefits themselves. In other words, they feel no guilt for being selfish. If there is ONE serving of ice cream left and they want it, they will take it even if they know YOU were saving it for a special treat. “That’s her problem,” they say.
So, guilt-proneness can be an incredible predictor of one is trustworthy and one who is not. If someone is self-centered or un-remorseful, that should raise a red flag. Think about your own life and people who have hurt you or let you down…how many would have raised THIS red flag for you, if you had known about it?
Better yet, think about your future…is there anyone in your life who is raising this flag? Perhaps using your “wise brain” could bring fresh insight about that relationship!
WHOM TO TRUST
In summary, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationships. Who can you trust?
Naturally, different types of relationships involve different dynamics, and the function of trust can vary.
I asked my wife, who is a licensed couples therapist, for some input after I wrote this piece: “For example, if an acquaintance or co-worker falls short in the character department by gossiping about someone or lying, one can choose to conduct a polite but superficial relationship. Or, if a friend regularly takes more than she gives in that relationship, she might be considered incompetent as a friend and experience a high turnover rate in her friendships.”
“While breaches of trust in many relationships can create challenges, severed trust in romantic relationships can be devastating to the one who was betrayed and cause irreparable harm to that relationship. While loving feelings naturally wax and wane in romantic relationships, partners need to be exceedingly intentional about upholding one another’s trust without fail, regardless of the subject of the betrayal, if the relationship is to succeed.”
“If you are at any stage in a romantic relationship, even/especially in the early stages, take the four components of trustworthiness v-e-r-y seriously. Pay attention to “red flags.” If your partner or prospective partner betrays your trust regularly or promises to “be better” but returns to stealing your trust, you may wish to reconsider your involvement in the relationship.”
In work relationships, who is looking to use you as a stepping stool? Be careful about sharing personal issues or difficulties with a co-worker until you know their true nature.
In developing friendships, who is too selfish? Sitting around a campfire with a cold one it is easy to get drawn into talking about failed relationships, investments, or other personal things. Beware the person who seems too interested and too helpful before it is warranted. Develop trust slowly. Don’t let them anywhere near your phone, credit card, pets, or your family before you know their true nature.
In loving relationships you want someone who CARES about you, your needs, and your hopes. Is that person likely to take you into consideration with every important decision (no decision is unimportant in relationships)? If you jump into that relationship head first before knowing the character of the other you are taking a great risk.
Today I was planning a trip. My wife said, why don’t we stay near CITY X? My response was, “Do you really want to travel 3 hours to get to that meeting and then have to drive back the 3 hours after?” You see, I know how exhausting that would be for her. For me it would be no problem at all (and lodging would cost less). I chose the lodging site that was much closer to the meeting…I would be prone to feel guilt otherwise.
Copyright 2023 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms, as I do, and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him elsewhere. ~ Sherry]
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