GUEST POST from Gwen – Finding ‘The One’

FINDING ‘THE ONE’
Companion Article to Top Ingredient, GUEST POST from Don, June 1, 2025

As a marriage and family therapist, I have worked with people in relationships whose partners I would deem ‘toxic.’ “One bad apple spoils the whole bunch” is an accurate adage. The outcome of any relationship that includes a toxic individual is a toxic relationship, the consequences of which are never positive for anyone else involved.

One client of mine stayed in a damaging relationship because she loved him and was willing to settle for him, and another knew she needed to leave but was just not able. I told her she would know when she was ready to leave, and a couple of years later she contacted me, said the time had come for her to leave, and thanked me for our work together. I don’t know what the former one did.

Having been fascinated by people and relationships all my life, one of my clinical interests is giving young adults tools to utilize in their search for The One. Said search does not primarily involve favorite movies or music, physical attractiveness, make of car, or any other concern that might be considered superficial, though those things will arise in conversation. [Note: Bank account information ought not be disclosed until much later, as some potential mates may be swayed toward or away from you dependent on that alone!]

Healthy marriages or partnerships are borne of two emotionally healthy people who form a wholesome and strong relationship. The relationship can be as great as or greater than the sum of its parts IF BOTH ‘parts’ enter the relationship emotionally healthy AND the relationship is begun and carried out in consistently healthful ways.

The qualities and characteristics that create a strong and fulfilling long-term relationship are innumerable. This therapist’s recommendations for developing a healthy long-term partnership are extensive, though not exhaustive. The following matters happen to be addressed to women considering men but certainly apply to anyone seeking a partnership:

• How does he speak to and treat his mother, grandmother, sister, boss, and any other females in his life? Does he speak respectfully about other women? How does he address a female server at a restaurant or woman at the tax office?
• Does he look you in the eye and speak directly to you, with undivided attention? Does he listen to you with undivided attention? Does he fully engage in conversation with you?
• Does he allow you to be fully yourself without criticizing, shaming, condescending, demeaning, or humiliating you?
• Does he want his children to be like him, or does he want them to grow up to be their best selves?
• Does he have any addictions? Porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, video gaming, gambling, spending, etc.
• Does he often correct, blame, or otherwise lead you to believe that something is wrong with you or something went wrong because of you, even if it had nothing to do with you?
• Has he put his hands on you in any way that frightened you, felt threatening, or left injury?
• Does he voice consideration of retaliation against anyone?
• Does he compliment you? Build you up? Does he express pride in having you in his life?
• Is he impulsive or is he thoughtful in decision making?
• Does he avoid vulnerability at all cost, especially in communicating with you?
• Does he exhibit risky behaviors? Take unnecessary chances?
• What are his priorities? You need to learn not by what he says but what he does.
• Do you ever feel like a tag-along when you’re with him, or does he include you?
• Is he open to discussion, or is it ‘his way or the highway’?
• Do you feel respected by him in word and deed, alone and around others, in person and over phone/text?
• Does he tend to be realistic or in denial?
• Does he isolate you from others in your life?
• Are his character traits desirable to you?
• Does he have reckless tendencies regarding money, safety, or other important areas?
• Does he introduce you to his friends and acquaintances or disregard you when they’re around?
• Is he honest, as opposed to telling lies, ‘white lies,’ or bending the truth?
• Does he actively help you to be your best self, or does he try to mold you into someone he wants you to be?
• Does he try to justify poor decisions or behaviors?
• Do you share the values that are most important to each of you? If not, are they in direct conflict? Are some of them such that you can agree to disagree?
• Is he attentive to you (does not mean overpowering, just aware and anticipating ways in which he might be of help to you)?
• Do you feel important to him?
• Does he walk his talk?
• Would he protect or defend you if you ever needed protecting or defending, even from false narratives about you?
• Is he easily moved to anger or frequently stifling angry responses?
• Does he like to talk about a variety of interests and topics, or do most topics have to do with his thoughts, his history, his abilities, his talents, his successes?
• Is he respectful of your need for ‘alone time’?
• Does he avoid talking about himself and, if you ask him about himself, change the subject, look around, get restless, reply indirectly, not actually answer what you asked, or does his demeanor change?
• Does he portray an expectation of more or better of others than of himself?
• Is this person worthy of your total devotion? Your trust?
• Do you feel emotionally safe with him? Why or why not?

If he uses these undesirable behaviors with others, he will eventually use them with you. If he keeps you from knowing about behaviors of which you would disapprove, then he is dishonest. If he is someone you would be inclined to dissuade your best friend or sister from dating, then he is probably not for you either.

These are issues that need serious and honest evaluation over a long period of time and in the privacy of your own thoughts and feelings.

Listen and observe before jumping into a relationship. It takes considerable time to learn who the other person truly is. It is often said that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Some potential mates seem that way and, while they may be too good to be true, perhaps you are seeing a genuinely kind, caring, thoughtful type.

Time will tell. Watch. Listen. Seek consistency. Make note of inconsistencies in behavior or words. Do you feel you could trust his judgment in all decisions and situations?

Perhaps the most pertinent question is whether this person has proven to you that he is worthy of your trust. I advise every client couple that love naturally comes and goes, but trust must be the basis of the commitment necessary for a long-term healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying relationship. Life throws curveballs from time to time, and if your partnership includes trust-building behaviors, attitudes, and actions, the tough times can be more easily weathered.

©️2025 Gwendolyn Whelpley, MA, LMFT, NCC, Commonwealth of Kentucky
www.gwcounseling.com