GUEST POST from Don – Top Ingredient

TOP INGREDIENT

What do most experts say is the top thing necessary for an enduring relationship?  Answer: Trust.

Here’s where experts fail:  They don’t tell couples how to know if trust is possible.

So, what should you be looking for in your next boyfriend or girlfriend?  EMPATHY.  Is he able to see things from her perspective?  Is she interested in his hopes and dreams?  Ah!  The problem is that most guys and gals merely assume the other is empathic.  New admirers do things that appear nice.  They say things that imply emotional engagement.  However, any good salesman or saleswoman knows how to appear nice and imply emotional engagement.  They are salesmen and saleswomen, skilled at the performance of “optics.”  I worked for a business which was focused on optics; they were less concerned with customer needs and more concerned with how customers viewed THE BUSINESS (the optics of clean trucks and high Google ratings).  That’s a poor business model and it is a poor relationship model.  In a good relationship the focus is on the relationship, not the optics.

Think of the worst people you’ve ever associated with.  What about those people made the relationship so challenging?  In almost every case the underlying cause had to do with that person’s inability to see   the impact of their actions on others.  No matter how you tried to connect the dots for them, they could not see the repercussions of their behaviors.  The best response you were likely to get was, “I’m sorry if you feel that way.”  They were oblivious to the discomforts they were causing.  Some use a phrase to sum it up:  “Hurt people hurt people.”

Such people can tell you what you want to hear, but their actions won’t match.  You feel a need to stay in the relationship because these actors know all the right words and can play the part when on stage, but they fail to meet your emotional needs when it matters.  You can’t make sense of your significant other because he or she has what some call a “WTF personality disorder.”

What that person has is the inability to do the one thing that builds relational trust, which is FEEL EMPATHY.

According to a business writer, Thomas Koulopoulos, “Empathy is not weakness, it is the courage to suspend your own ego long enough to understand someone else’s opinion.”  He continues, “It is the ability to … truly understand [your partner’s] interests, opinions, and convictions.”

You should not try to save them from themselves.  Just RUN.  You are looking for love and relationship.  You want someone who will add value and joy to your life, and someone to whom you can add value and joy to as well.  So, how do you find a partner who is empathic (worthy of your trust)?  Following are two screens to weed out the bad ones…

PART I: A Dating Screen (of course)…
Most who fail at finding a valued partner believe that dating (the most common screen) will lead them to the best choice.  It is necessary, I’d say, but it can in no way guarantee success.  Dating is a performance ritual.  Actors become exceptional at the dating role very quickly.  Your new interest will wow you with an amazing performance.  (You will do the same, by the way.)  Of course, if he or she can’t wing this one simple test you will quickly decide this person is not for you.  Almost every question asked on early dates is about  how the person feels or thinks about things.  This is an egocentric approach.  Even a narcissist has no problem responding winningly to these questions.  You WILL hear what you want to hear.  Your date would win awards if this was a movie script (“Most Charming” and “Most Convincing”).  But you don’t want a failed relationship.  So, what can you do?

PART II: A Personality Screen…
Here’s a better and additional path to finding the person who knows how to think and act outside of his or her own best interests.  Can that potential love interest step outside of himself or herself to view the world from a third-person perspective?  (Mind you, this won’t necessarily mean he or she is the best choice, but the point of this idea is to eliminate bad people before you let them into your life.  Dating eliminates perhaps 40%, unless you have no standards at all.  This screen may be able to eliminate another 25-35% who have the potential of making your life miserable.  What you are left with are the cream of the crop, the top 20-50% with whom you could have a long, loving, trusting relationship.)

How do you get someone to step outside himself or herself?  Answer: Ask how others would observe or react to their behaviors or speech.  Now, let’s be clear here; an empathic person would welcome this kind of question because they often think about how others would view their behavior or words.  A selfish person almost never thinks about things this way.

Questions could include “How thoughtful do your siblings think you are?” or, “What was the one thing your last boyfriend (or girlfriend) appreciated most about you?”  Forget thinking about their answers to these questions, instead observe how comfortable they are and how engaged they are.  Selfish people tend to become distant or uncomfortable answering, even when their answers seem likely or appropriate.  If this is a part of who they are, thinking about how their words and behaviors affect others, then they will have little problem answering the questions comfortably.

Hey!!  This is YOUR life and enjoyment we are talking about!  Never preface your “out of the box” questions with the reason for them, just keep asking a series of questions and don’t stop until you know who the other person likely is.

Greater Good Magazine has a list of empathy questions you might be able to draw from HERE.

Can empathic people have strong opinions?  Absolutely.  
Do empathic people lack confidence?  No.
Are empathic people “yes” people (always agree)?  No.

Empathic people typically do not hurt others out of lack of caring.  They are not generally selfish or rude.  Instead, these great people tend to build up.  If he likes your soup he won’t complain that it isn’t like his mother made.  He will, instead, show appreciation.  “That was yummy!”  She will explain she does not like dirty clothes on the floor, then she will point to the hamper and help you pick up your icky socks.  Empathy is not telling others what they want to hear.  It is intentional honesty with a smile and helpful hand.

The point is to find that special person who will help you feel special and for whom you will also be a builder of trust.  Together, you can have the best chance for long-term success.  You’re looking for someone who has the one ingredient that promotes trust:  Empathy.

A special complementary article to this one, by Marriage & Family Therapist Gwendolyn Whelpley, MA, LMFT, NCC, will be posted tomorrow – June 2, 2025.

Copyright 2025 Donald Whelpley

[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]

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