GUEST POST from Don: Co-Habitation (mostly from a financial viewpoint)

CO-HABITATION:  SO, YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE IN?
Part One

[Credits:  Quotes and “advice from experts” herein, except for two, are “ripped” right out of an article by Ana Teresa Sola and Annie Nova published 9/16/2023 in CNBC Personal Finance: “3 Financial Tips For Couples Moving In Together For The First Time.”  Otherwise, unfortunately, the ideas are the author’s.]

DIALOGUE.  I write this to create opportunity for conversation.  Be thoughtful.

No one likes to feel they are being lectured or “condemned.”  What follows I hope is neither.  However, those considering living together may find the facts and ideas herein helpful to this process.  From the many couples I have observed over the years I am sure there has been a heap of ignorance and poor planning.  Yet, I am not talking to those who have already made the leap into living together.  THIS is for the couples who are trying to find the best solution to the hot mess that is the usual couple’s relationship.  

With all that in mind, I set out to quickly identify several issues which KILL relationships of couples who move in together before marriage.  

BEFORE TALKING ABOUT MOVING IN

There are lots of “reasons” people give for shacking up instead of marrying.  You can find long lists of these on the internet, I suppose, or you can just ask your friends.  No matter how many “reasons” you find, more than half of them can be lumped into 4 common problems people have:  Fear, greed, ignorance, and messed-up goals.  Representative statements to come…

Fear.  “I had a bad marriage.”  “I’m not ready.”  “Marriage is a guarantee of a man’s poverty.”
Greed.  “I only plan to stay until…”  “I’m waiting for the right person.”  “I want to play the field.”
Ignorance.  “Divorce rates are too high.”  “I’m morally opposed to the institution of marriage.”  “I don’t need it.”
Screwy Goals.  “My career is more important.”  “Her parents and I don’t get along.”  “I’m not interested in relationships.”

Show of hands, which of you would want to shack up with one of these?  Could you predict any which has a remote chance of leading to a gratifying relationship?

I suppose we could also make an equally queasy list of bad reasons for marriage.  The point:  If you are planning to live together OR marry you should have a VALID reason.  (Close one eye while reading this:  I know one dud whose ONLY reason for marrying was so he could have sex with his girlfriend while he was in a religion-funded homeless shelter.)

One amazingly stupid “reason” for moving in is, “We are just as married as those who spoke words in front of a priest.  We don’t need a piece of paper!”  No!  Not true.

I looked this up … there are only 7 states which recognize “common-law marriages.”  If you aren’t living in those states, and following their very special rules, it doesn’t matter how long you co-habitate … you aren’t married.  Therefore you cannot enjoy the legal rights and privileges only given to married couples.

Next, if you are moving in before you’ve even hit the 5 month point of the relationship there’s almost a certainty that you are making a huge mistake.  Science (remember that concept?) tells us that hormones guiding our love life shift with time.  The first few months are euphoric, the next year exciting, then whamo!!!!  Our love chemicals change suddenly into long-term feelings and we settle in for a thing called “reality.”  So, don’t RUSH moving in.  I can’t say that often enough or loud enough.  Moving in too soon is begging to be hurt.  You’re love chemicals are about to grab that 2×4.  It isn’t time to move in, it’s time to duck.  What science says is that reality hits full force at about 18-24 months.  Sophia Benoit, an advice columnist on Bustle, says, “Ask yourself sincerely why you need to escalate your relationship this quickly.”  What you claim is “love,” may only be the euphoric compounds sloshing about in your cranial cavity; relational truth takes time.  By the way, more proven science, those who “dated” for 3 years before marriage are 39% less likely to divorce.

My opinion, which many in my own family ignore: It is rarely smart to move in together or marry without a VALID reason.  (Love alone does not qualify as a valid reason).  Most significant from my POV, living together has almost no advantage over marriage.  Statistics show that those who move in or marry too soon are likely to break up within 2 years; I believe I read that greater than 82% of couples who move in together break up.  Clearly it is far more likely to DOOM the couple than to lead to life-long companionship.  Compare that to the standard comment, which is not true, that half of marriages end in divorce.  (A 2001 study concluded that those who co-habitated before marriage had a 50% higher divorce rate than those who didn’t.)  It is also a lie that marriage and divorce are expensive.  A courthouse wedding in most states is less than $100.  A LegalZoom no-contest divorce is less than $500.  We aren’t talking huge amounts, are we!  Yet, THAT is not the point of this post.  Continue reading …

1. PREPARE
The point HERE is that each new batch of “in love with being in love” couples who decide to co-habitate seldom take the time to research the ramifications or prepare appropriately.  Although this series of posts concentrates on the financial side of the equation, I want to say a word about communication:  Before committing to moving in you really should have in mind what things are “deal breakers.”  It would be wise to have conversations about those BEFORE wasting time on moving in (and then moving out in 2 months).  If the relationship is tossable because SHE loves cats and HE detests them…give up NOW, NOW, NOW!!!  He will never love cats and she will never not love them.  This poor match should be a non-starter.

Now…MONEY.  Many young folk are ignorant of the many financial traps.  Absolutely they should have a written pre-co-habitation agreement.  (Kinda’ like a “pre-nup.”)  Most falsely believe that there are fewer financial strings to moving in vs marriage.  However, it should be remembered that anyone can sue you for anything … and it happens more often than you think among those who co-habitate.  Who gets the kids?  Who keeps the house or apartment?  Who pays off the car or credit card balances?  “Who owns the zebra?”  How are personal loan agreements between the couple handled?  Who keeps gifts received as a couple?  See?  It is never as smooth as it appears.  

Money is one of the biggest tipping points.  And since you aren’t married, imagine how handling finances will change if you decide to tie the knot.  It will change.  Or, possibly sadder, it won’t.

When people move in for the first time (or the 20th), if they do not talk about $$ beforehand it will likely lead to trouble.  Handling the transition proactively can prevent problems.  Come back next week for a look at some additional financial tips.

Thus ends part one…
Stay tuned for part two where we will discuss more on “Preparation,” “Planning for the Future,” and “When to Combine Resources.”

[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere. ~ Sherry]

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