THE $$ TALK
My wife and I often talk about finances. We turn off all electronics and update each other; the budget, the balances, the buoyancy. I tell her what I want to do, she tells me what she dreams doing. Good or bad we must choose well. With our financial resources we only have three options: Spend it ONCE (buy something), spend it less than once (get a loan), or spend it more than once (invest).
Funny, but not, chimpanzees have no problem succeeding at intimate performance but they never talk about money. Humans are supposed to be more intelligent, but sadly human couples hardly ever talk about money either.
It is simple. There are only a few rules.
First, Honesty.
Never lie about money with your significant other. Don’t gamble behind her back and don’t spend more than you have on clothes behind his back (turn it around if you don’t want to be sexist, I guess). If you are becoming purposeful … does one have unpaid credit card balances? You need to be up front about your debts and what assets you are bringing into the relationship. (Seriously, if you don’t trust your S.O. with knowledge about your finances then you shouldn’t unite.)
When a couple is thinking this is a relationship made in Nirvana and she finds out he has $89k in credit card debt…or he suddenly learns she has $250,000 banked … that should give a reason to press the “pause” button. Money issues ARE that important.
Second, Talk about Values, then Amounts.
I have a great desire to live on our incomes, not investments, in retirement. Investments are there as a back up if Social Security fails. We both know what our incomes are and where they are coming from. So, I will talk about what is “coming up.” September is a killer month. Almost everything seems to come due. Insurance, estimated taxes, and some other large expenses means that we have to PLAN for September. In fact, I have a refrigerator calendar which lists $ of every usual, but large, expense in the months they occur every year. It allows us to set aside what we will need. Other people use the envelope system (look it up) with the expense and the month it occurs. Clearly I’m not buying a new set of clubs in August!!! (Wouldn’t anyway.)
We talk about stock fund trades. We talk about upcoming expenses. We talk about the future. We’ve even planned how the survivor will deal with finances (My wife says that if one of us dies she will go to live with her sister).
Third, Make the Decisions Together.
Details don’t have to match 100%, but the concepts do. “We are pushing toward saving a down payment on a car. But we don’t agree yet on which car.”
Fourth, Talk Before.
Never spend then talk. In a relationship, the “It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission” rule is absolutely stupid. If you respect one another you WILL seek unanimity every single time. So, if you are getting married, maybe you should agree to a budget BEFORE you go to get a gown or hall. If the budget is $20k, then it is a bad idea to order a $10k dress. Stay on budget.
Fifth, Be Realistic.
If your family income is $50k then you can’t have a $60k budget. Credit cards are almost the exact opposite of “budget expanders.” Don’t spend your rent money on anything else. There are NEEDS and WANTS. Food and shelter are NEEDS. Almost everything else can be delayed or downsized. You may read somewhere that the average hourly wage in America is over $36. That’s a problem because the majority of Americans are paid less. The median hourly wage is around $20. Above that and you are in the upper half of wage earners. The problem with “average” is that it averages WAGES, not people. “Median” compares PEOPLE with people. Each wage earner matters when you look for the “median.”
Sixth, Decide Who’s in Charge of Finances.
Usually one is better than the other. If you are both bad at finance, find a program or app that will remind you of goals and plans. The one who earns more should not be the automatic family comptroller and business manager! Nope! The one who understands budgets and can balance the checkbook correctly should be in charge. My wife is the forgetter (forgets to record who the check was written to and the amount), I remember to record even the credit card receipts so I keep track of finances.
Seventh, Be Flexible. The budget should include some individual flexibility. Maybe each partner gets 2.5% in a personal account to be spent however he or she desires. [Let me observe that in our household WE have never done that. For 40 years I never spent a dime on myself without my wife knowing I was planning to do so. “I’m going to buy a pair of shoes.” It was all necessary stuff. No “guys” trips, no fishing gear, no motorcycle, zero “me.” We had a tight budget and so every expense was 99.9% necessary. Good for us! We went from poor to lower middle class when we worked, to solid middle class upon retirement. Then with my last paycheck I put aside a few thousand for “me.” The tax bill was a surprise. I purchased a guitar and the remainder went for taxes. “We” is more important than “me.”] Six years later we still don’t do that.
Finally, Start Slowly. One thing at a time, several times. In a quality relationship there is no “boss,” or “Lone Ranger” unless someone wants to be the boss of a non-relationship.
Just a note: You don’t need everything you want. In fact, you should not have everything you want. Some desires should be abandoned when there is a higher goal.
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]
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