It isn’t very often that my spirit lags but tonight is one of those nights. I just get tired of the pain, chronic pain – as many people know – wears constantly on a person. I have OA from my jaw to my feet, it started in my spine when I was way too young and has been marching on for deacdes. It has affected my legs so the pain prohibits me from doing 90% of what I want to do in life. I have a brain that I don’t recognize still, it was exchanged for my perfectly good brain during a stroke 12 years ago, and it doesn’t think or respond or understand or communicate like my original brain did, and I believe is a cause of my intermittent vertigo. Strangely enough the type of cardiovascular disease I have – which accounts for 10% of all heart diseases but 50% of all deaths from heart attack – has the least impact on my daily life than the other things (though it was likely the cause of my stroke).
I deal with it. I don’t talk about it, or whine. Just…sometimes…like when there’s more pain involved in walking 10 feed to get something to drink than it’s worth, it’s easier to just be thirsty. Or when I don’t go somewhere with Pete, though we always did everything together, because the pain or vertigo or instability is too great to even get down the stairs and out to the car. Or when I have a bunch of great meal ideas for Pete but can’t even stand long enough to make them.
But I’m sick of it. I want it to be over, I want to be Home, I’ve had enough.
Sorry, guys…just being real. I’ll be back to my normal positive and cheerful self tomorrow, probably.