Yeah. Strange thing. Most of you know I had a stroke and while I wasn’t paying attention that day somebody exchanged my old brain for a new one. They other physical effects eventually resolved but this brain is defective so I’d like to give it back in exchange for my old one, please.
But, in all seriousness, I’ve had to learn to adapt to this organ that will probably always feel foreign in my head. Some things, even though I have to choice but to live with them, are more difficult than others. Most people don’t know, because it isn’t something I talk about it, that I go off the rails without brakes. Pete and I joke about “be careful, you’re about to cross a woman without filters!” but I can’t imagine what it’s like living with me for him. Something will happen and things start swirling around in my head, and that’s it…my body becomes something that I – a mere inhabitant, it feels – am not.
I lost a lot of skills, like math which I used to do easily in my head as an example. Managing tasks; before I could keep multiple plates spinning, now I’m lucky if I can follow a conversation while the TV is on. Not thinking of words, losing my thought in the middle of a sentence…I know that happens as we age, and we adapt because it comes on slowly. Not with a whole lot of other stuff, in the matter of an instant. Flexibility? Forget it. I have to know what, where, when, how, and why ahead of time to get it set in my mind, or I struggle to manage whatever I’m doing or wherever I’m going. If I leave something in a certain place and it gets moved, either it ceases to exist to me and I’m able to continue on without it, or that chaos starts in my head and I know what my body is about to do to me (and often, whatever is around me). Pete is a saint – he still lives with me, still helps, still loves…a lesser man would have given up on the violent outbursts and frustration and confusion long ago. Not that I don’t have my good times, in fact most of my days are better days (mentally if not physically), though I’m not the same as I used to be and don’t know when something will set off the chaos.
There’s more, but whatever…
So yesterday we were gone most of the day, and I was busy until way late – long after Pete went to sleep – and didn’t get my Advent reading or blogging, or my daily Christmas song selection, done. I went to bed thinking, “I guess I’ll have to do it tomorrow.” Guess what happened “tomorrow” (today)? I can’t manage it. There’s a war going on, with one side telling me I HAVE to get caught up, and the other side yelling, “BUT YOU MUST!!! YOU CAN’T MISS A SINGLE DAY!!” and yet another side interjecting, “But it’s the 11th so you have to do TODAY’s, you CAN’T do the 10th on the 11th!” And I’m paralyzed.
We’ll see how this all shakes out; for now I think I’ll just do a jigsaw puzzle.