TAKING THE CAR KEYS?
As parents of teens we have ADULT decisions to make about when to gift them with a key (or fob) to the car. Believe me, this should be done with great deliberation. “Is my son/daughter mature enough? Is he/she thoughtful and careful? Does he/she KNOW how to handle speed, steering, and following distances when its raining, snowing, or dark?”
Every year we hear of young driver failures, thus it should not be an automatic thing (“On his 17th birthday”). Never the newer car.
Hopefully, the parents do not need to take away the keys. That creates another problem, right?
THEN there’s the other issue … when does the child take keys away from his or her own aging parents? Is it ever because of a doctor’s prescription? That would be easier. However, I read one article where the parent FAILED his driving test and was denied a renewal. He decided he didn’t need a license and drove anyway.
Do you take the keys when one’s parent no longer can see to drive at night or becomes confused? Does one wait until there is a fender bender (or worse), or a ticket is generated? Should one remove the keys when the parent is diagnosed with dementia (even though you knew 18 months earlier that your mom or dad was losing cognitive abilities)?
Just as we tend to give keys to teens too early, we also wait too long to take away parents’ keys.
My dad lost his speech before he lost his sense of direction. He had a “pathfinder” badge in WWII and never used GPS to find anything as an adult. He could travel through 7 states and never look at a map. He arrived exactly where he wanted, on time, every time. We waited too long even though he always knew the way.
Just like with teens you don’t make the decision without deliberation. Also, lack of competence doesn’t happen at a certain age. I’ve known 95 year olds who were far better drivers than any 35 year old with whom I was acquainted.
Here are the KEY issues with elder drivers (actually any drivers):
Eyesight. Many can’t see well when it is dim (rainy) or at night. The licensing agency may not know this. (I know several people in their 40s who should not drive in these conditions…one of whom is “night blind.” I also know a lady who has lost 70% of her vision and is still driving…that scares me).
Overwhelmed by or confused by heavy traffic. Confusion may be an issue of medications. You might go with your parent to his/her next medical appointment to express this concern. Sometimes medications can be adjusted to reduce confusion. Or it could be dementia and they should be tested by a medical professional.
Directions. They may lose their sense of direction. (Let me say here that I know at least 3 younger folk who have this issue. One doesn’t know which way is north when the afternoon sun is shining in the western sky. Another traveled six hours west on an interstate when she wanted to go east…six hours!)
Poor decisions. Turning left when traffic is not fully cleared and expecting the other drivers to “get out of the way.” Not paying attention to people crossing the road. Being unaware that they are following a vehicle which may stop or back up. Cutting corners too sharply or, conversely, wandering into the oncoming lane when turning right.
Dementia. If dad or mom is way too forgetful or often confused, can’t remember names or places, he or she should not be driving. On the other hand, I’ve never been able to remember names. (I’ve always been pretty good at directions and identifying landmarks.)
It is a major problem if both parents are still alive and the one “allows” the other (who should not drive) to get behind the wheel. You may not be able to stop this problem especially if the other parent is a fully competent driver. I know a couple like this.
However, if only one parent is alive and should not be driving you have more options than just taking the keys. You can disable the car. You can park it at your house. Or you can replace his/her set of car keys with a non-functional set (or attached to the wrong fob for the vehicle).
Dementia and other losses of cognition comes in many forms. Alzheimers is the most common and has symptoms almost everyone knows. There are several others. Lewy Body dementia is quite different, with the patient often experiencing a split personality (one at night and another during the day). A person who has had a stroke may also lose mental acuity along with muscle weakness. Cancer can cause negative mental changes along with extreme tiredness and/or pain. Driving well while in great pain or fatigue is difficult.
Not one answer fits every scenario.
Maybe one should talk with parents about this issue long before the time comes to make the decision. Put together a plan. Have an annual review. Take your aging parent on a private “road test.” Discuss the results and recommendations.
Some samples:
– No night driving.
– Restrict driving when raining or snowing.
– Plan trips to avoid construction zones and rush hour.
– Learn to allow more space between your car and the next.
– Also, make sure the parent’s vehicle is being maintained/repaired. (Do a “lights” test, check the oil level, tire pressure and maintenance log.)
– Check registration, insurance cards to see if they are current. Check parent’s driver license renewal date.
If there are several adult children, you should confer, discuss, and agree. It makes no sense to upset everyone because they don’t know the issues. I know! Some families are not good at this; or there may be one sibling who just WON’T get on board, due to denial, guilt, dysfunction, or other problems. Just gather with those who CAN make good decisions.
You’re not putting mom in hospice, you’re only making sure she is safe.
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
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