RELATIONAL TRUTHS
There is not a single “relational truth” which is true in every case or for everybody (at least I can’t think of one). If it is true more often than not then it may be worth thinking about and/or acting on.
We all know one person who screwed up due to not realizing the truth, and acting on the truth, of each of the following:
A. MISTAKE. There is a huge difference between a “mistake” and a “habit.” A partner who makes a “mistake” may be forgiven (in certain situations) and the relationship repaired. However, a “habit” is not a forgivable situation. (Cheating, Gambling, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Physical Abuse). The person must be repaired before the relationship can be. Where the habit is destructive to the relationship, the other SHOULD get out. A habit is your partner’s way of telling you who he or she is… and you should believe it and face reality. Oh, don’t mistake a “mistake” for some event where there was no choice involved. There is no law that says that a person doesn’t have to use his or her mind when making a mistake.
B. ONENESS. Yes, I think most couples hope for that. However, your partner is not and can never be your clone. Only you are you. The challenge is in helping to meet one another’s differing needs. So, if you are “always right,” and if you keep track of how many times you are, and you find that you ARE more than 80% of the time … your partner likely isn’t being truthful. Your partner is going along to get along and you need to see a counselor. This is true also if your needs are always more important than your partner’s.
C. DRIVE. It is perfectly NORMAL for one partner to have a high drive and the other low drive. That’s human. In the real world the low-drive partner experiences “anxiety” almost all the time and the high drive partner experiences “frustration.” Again, normal. Nothing is wrong with your relationship. It becomes non-normal when the low drive partner creates a practically sexless situation (fewer than 36 is inappropriate for an otherwise healthy couple) or when the high drive person pushes for twice the events as the low drive person finds comfortable (and if that number is more than 300 in a year that’s also inappropriate). The normal couple shares between 50 and 200 experiences per year (don’t quote me because if you read 7 articles about the normal range you will find 7 totally different ranges. No one really knows the answer to this because people tend to lie about that). There can be causes. If physical pain is the problem, see a doctor. If there’s a medical condition, learn to live with it. Sex is a bonus, not a requirement for a good marriage when there are physical limitations. There will come a time for many couples, or a season, when it will become impossible or difficult. If you have young children you should expect a serious drop in “regularity.” (For men, don’t be a pig and expect it the day after she gives birth or even a week later. Give her time to heal. For women, you can’t belittle your man and then expect him to perform. There are more…) Truth is that your drive should be one way to SHOW love, why would you withhold it out of spite or abuse the other due to greed? Think of love as a gift you give not something you take.
D. PERFECTION. If you think your partner is “perfect” or “perfect for you,” you haven’t reached the point of actual LOVE. When you have reached the point of understanding all the imperfections of your partner and you STILL love that person, that is the point where you can really feel you have arrived (that usually takes 24 to 30 months). Before that point is lust, like, or just excitement that someone seems to care for you. Don’t confuse LOVE with LUST or anything else.
E. FIDELITY. One writer said, “No one cheats on a person with whom they are in love.” I believe there is a degree of truth there. Cheaters may only love themselves. THEIR needs matter more than their partner’s. Real love is faithful. Without faithfulness, there is no love. Sure, a person can make a bad mistake, but they should feel more sorry about it than the person they love does. Anger at self, acceptable; anger at being caught, unacceptable. Run as fast as possible from the latter.
F. EASY. To whom are partners who leave attracted? I’ve been noticing my neighbors who left one relationship and soon found another. Their next choice is not necessarily someone richer, stronger, smarter, better, or better looking … almost always they seek out someone who is EASY. There are no high standards for most. They find someone they don’t have to work hard to get, and a person who doesn’t hold them to any high standards, either. EASY. Easy works for so many. They just want someone who doesn’t yell or demand. They want someone who jumps into bed. They want someone without all the drama. NOTICE: If that’s the kind of partner you attracted, that’s the partner who will leave when the issues or irritations build in the relationship. Choose partners well, and don’t make getting you so easy. Take the hard road to develop a good partnership. Real life isn’t easy. You want a partner who can handle that.
G. PRACTICE. Love is neither a feeling nor a choice. It is a practice. How do people fall out of love? They stopped practicing doing loving things. In almost every instance the feeling will follow behavior. Those people didn’t suddenly decide to stop loving, they failed to maintain the love they had. This is as true for loving your God as loving your partner. Behavior leads the way. Feelings and choices are followers. Thus, you may be totally in control of it.
G. PREPARE. No one likes to think they will need to GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Yet I have known several who needed to move out in just a few hours or risk harm. You need MONEY in your own account and a credit card in your name. You also need the name of a good lawyer and a safe place to stay for a night. You aren’t planning to end the relationship, but if it ends you may need a safety plan. How much money? Enough to rent an apartment and pay your bills for 5 months.
So, have you learned anything new today that you can use? Have you found a nugget someone close to you needs to hear? Feel free to share.
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]
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