NAMING YOUR CHILD
First, let’s be clear. If you are old enough to father or mother a child you should be old enough to be grown up when naming said child.
We’ve all known someone who got the short stick when it came to names. This isn’t funny for them. Some, when they turn 18 have it changed. “Stupid” shortened to “Stu” has that changed to “Samuel.” Same first initial, but impossible to make into something stupid. “Bruce Ulysses Garman” has to use the initials “BUG” the remainder of his way-too-long life. If you have a famous last name, like “Jones,” don’t name your child “Indiana.” That’s gauche. And in 30 years few will know “why” and the adult child will have to explain a very old joke.
Second, when you become pregnant, it is NOW time to decide on a boy’s name and a girl’s name. You have 40 weeks to make up your mind. Write down your choices. Agree to a name with your partner. Nothing is worse than waiting until it is time to fill out the hospital documents. The result won’t be pretty. I heard one story (which may be apocryphal) where a woman thought the hospital had already named her daughter “Fe-mal-e.” Please be smarter than that!
A close relative wanted us to name a daughter after her. Aside from the psychology of such, she had a very awkward name. Neither first, nor middle names were currently in vogue. In fact, I haven’t met anyone who was given such names since 1960. I couldn’t do that to a child of mine.
Names and nicknames which create confusion are also OUT. Patricia sounds nice until you realize that the nickname is the same as that for Patrick. We chose clearly female names which had clearly female nicknames for our daughters. Our son had a clearly male name as well. (Can I just say that one daughter who works as a nurse is complimented by her patients on her name quite often. She has texted us several times this year, “thank you for my name.”)
Some other things are also out. Don’t do any of the following: Naming a child for a former lover. Naming a child after a lovely sandwich. Naming a child for a beloved lost pet. If a child dies in childbirth, don’t give the next child the same name. This list of “don’ts” could take entire pages. The point is that YOU need to be smarter than the average high school graduate when naming your offspring. Don’t try to be funny or cute or create a “special spelling.” Think it though. How will it sound after 1 year? Would an adult son or daughter praise you or curse you? Some folk need a college course in this.
Be stone cold sober when choosing a name. This is serious business and if you are in no condition to drive, operate heavy machinery, or sign a legal document … wait until you are to name a child. I was this old when I saw this article about a mom who can’t even pronounce her baby’s name: “‘It’s not Little Sun’: Mom can’t believe she’s having trouble pronouncing her newborn’s name.” Oh, my! Did you NOT test it a few times before writing it on the birth certificate? Please, use a few more brain cells! I bet you buy organic butter, too! (Buy it if you must, but considering you only use 1 or 2 pats per serving it isn’t a greatly significant part of your diet. It is 80% fat either way. Your body won’t realize the difference … you eat perhaps 1,000x more potato than butter … that means it is wiser to spend your hard earned cash on better potatoes than better butter.)
I know some women who were far smarter. They wouldn’t even date a guy whose last name would give them gas pains. What’s YOUR first name, what’s HIS last name? Do the math! Same with the first name you are planning to gift to your son … will that moniker make his days better or worse for the rest of his life? Will he or she bless you or curse you? (There are some parents who are so twisted that they WANT to inflict pain on their offspring.)
A poorly spelled name will not help your child succeed. It will not strengthen him or her. (There is a false saying: “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” Don’t believe it! What doesn’t kill you will almost always make you weaker. Put you hand close to a rattlesnake if you don’t believe me. Ingest a toxic mushroom … if you survive you will live in pain for the remainder of your agonizing life). A bad name will be a dark shadow dimming every personal encounter for the remainder of his or her life. “I didn’t get your name … “ Answer: “Ah, well, just call me ‘Cabbage.’” “No, your real name …” Answer: “Cabbage.” “And your last name?” Answer: “Patch.”
By the time some poor children reach third grade they have already decided to kill their parents. By the way, your child will be choosing your nursing home … do you want the roach infested one or the one with a view of a brook and trees? Name your child wisely!
One more DON’T: Yahoo!Life has this headline: “Double baby names are more popular than ever. Here are 7 ideas.” Just DON’T do it! Baby names do not create the individual, the life experiences of a child do that. A double name merely makes it harder (for the remainder of life) to sign documents. A simple name is far better to give a child a chance at a good life. So, you name your child Etta-Jane, with a middle name of Noel. Now all your darling daughter needs is to find a hyphenated person to marry. Now she’s Etta-Jane Noel Crumble-Cream. EEEW! Try to write that on the allowed two inch line document 25 times. If you want to make your child cry, go ahead!
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
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