INTRO TO HUSBAND LOVE
Remember, recently I wrote about “Wives, submit to your husbands…” We explored some hidden aspects of that command. I wonder if you knew those things!
Now, a totally separate issue: Husband love. Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” (ESV)
As I mentioned last time, there is a God-purpose for each passage of Scripture which may be significantly different from other passages. God’s purpose for these commands (first to wives, then to husbands in Colossians) won’t be found by joining them as one command or by using them as a whipping switch from the tree.
Every pastor and teacher I know would be quick to insert here a command to husbands found elsewhere in the Bible: “as Christ loved the church.” We might find help by comparing this passage with that or other passages which talk about a similar subject, but there are risks in doing so which may trap the ignorant in a teaching that fails to look deeply at what Paul is saying to us and the Colossian believers. Let’s try to avoid that trap, and look first for what God has to say to the Colossian church and why THEY needed these words. Ask yourself, “Why did Paul NOT say ‘as Christ loved the church’ here? Is Paul saying something different for a reason?” (YES, he is.) In that region there were many religions, many which had temple prostitutes (a fund-raising strategy). Husbands felt no shame going to those places. It was expected as a religious “duty!” Paul says: “Not for you, Christian husbands!”
What are the common modern problems that come from the husband side of secular marriages? There are many harmful things men do in marriage. My wife is a marriage and family counselor … believe me that she knows through her counseling the many ways that men have harmed their wives (and many ways wives have harmed their husbands, but that is not our topic today). Paul is actually kind here because he only mentions one thing: “and do not be harsh with them.” We all know some husbands who treat their wives harshly. Then some cheat with other women or men. Some cheat with finances. Some refuse to cooperate, or neglect to participate in care of children, or refuse to do household chores (“women’s work”), or are unsupportive when their wives have aspirations and goals. Some even dismiss their wives as unworthy of their love because the wives have gained weight (a normal female thing). [Let’s be honest here and admit that men tend to gain weight, too. Plus, some go bald and have stinky underwear.]
I’m guessing (with high likelihood of reliability) that there were similar situations in Colossae at the time of Paul’s writing; indeed, throughout the world from the beginning of time. It is common for men to NOT love their wives in any practical way except in the bedroom (and sometimes not even there). It is common for secular men to be harsh, thinking of their wives as servants; maybe Paul had heard that the church in Colossae had more of this problem than other churches. I even know husbands who tell their wives to “Go get me some sweet tea” when they are both sitting in the living room. Hey! Be “kind” and use your own two legs, guys! Bam!
Love is a difficult thing for many men to properly exhibit. I’m bad at celebrations. My wife loves them. I fail to TELL her “I love you.” Again, the command for Christian husbands to “love” their wives turns out to be another one of those impossible-to-do commands. He doesn’t have the strength or innate ability within to live it out. It is possible that no one before had ever told them they should. Perhaps no one had ever suggested they be kind either. This command (without the other supporting scriptures) reveals a weakness husbands have. (Did I just say that out loud?)
Here, again, the command is specific. Paul doesn’t say, “Men, love women.” I think many men believe that is quite easy because they are always thinking of how to get women under their control. One major team ball boy out west found out how easy it was to spend time with women … he drove a nice car and wore a stolen official team cap. Women, thinking him a pro player, introduced themselves to him. Ew!
Paul did not even say, “Boyfriends, love your girlfriends.” This requires no spiritual effort at all for MOST. They will even go with her to a museum or watch a chick flick. Mind you, there are limits. Plus, there is no command here for a man to love his cohabitating woman lover. It isn’t about that, nor should it be. If you are a Christian man you won’t co-habitate. Not forbidden for a secular man, but surely unacceptable for a man following Jesus.
This command, which we haven’t fully explored yet, should make a man carefully consider whether the woman he’s planning to marry really is a person he COULD love deeply for the next 65 years. She may chew with her mouth open, is snotty to other women, is “adorable” when around other men, or will only eat and prepare vegetarian dishes (but he likes steak, rare, on occasion) … can he abide that person as a wife he is commanded to love?
If Christ is your everything, you have died with him, and been resurrected with him, have put off the old self and put on the new including humility, what will your love be like? Love must, by definition, “bind everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14) Hmmmm! Harmony and humility in marriage? Ouch! Impossible!
For a bit one day I was pondering this love and what it meant. Then, talking with a Christian buddy I mentioned my quandary. He raised his hand for permission to speak (jokingly) and quoted 1Corinthians 13. “Love is…” I felt a bit foolish. There was a big part of the answer (not all, but big enough to be a starting place). If you wonder, as a husband, how to display love to your wife … memorize 1Corinthians 13. Again, impossible!
What do Christians do about impossibilities? The answer is always: will it so, seek it, allow the Holy Spirit to do it through you, and rejoice in what God has done through you. I believe Christian husbands CAN experience God’s miracle when they do commit to His plan.
Some cautions: First, the wives have no say about this. They can’t do anything to enforce it or control it. It is NOT a right to be demanded or earned. Second, this is not a Christian husband’s DUTY to his wife. This is all about the Christian husband’s relationship with Christ. He does this because of his relationship with Christ alone. Third, in fact, the body of believers to which he belongs cannot demand this of him either. Either he wants to serve Christ in this or he wants to serve Satan. The church body is limited to encouraging proper behaviors by reminding men to draw closer to Christ. In our church the common theme is: If you are tempted to look anywhere but Christ for help in living the Christian life, you are failing Christ. This is not a club with which to hit husbands over the head. It is a help to direct husbands toward right relationship with God (and others).
So, husband love toward his wife (and children, and boss, and other believers) is so impossible that non-believers have zero hope of ever achieving it. It is unheard of in secular society. It is hard to find except among those who have gone deep with Christ, have died with him, been resurrected with him, and are living abundantly with him.
Colossians spends a lot of time expressing the supremacy of Christ. This is what the believing husband does in response to that kind of Savior.
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]
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