SHAME IS “GOOD”
I am speaking of ethics, not false shame (shame caused by an abusive partner, for example).
We are living in a society which knows no shame. That’s too bad. We should become red-faced about some things.
When we tell a lie and are caught, we should feel shame. But that’s not quite enough! We should realize how shameful it is and determine not to do it.
When a murderer is caught he/she should feel shame. That’s too late, by gum! Someone is already dead due to lack of shame-planning.
When a wife cheats on her husband, she should feel shame in front of her children (she messed them up, too). That, also, is too late. Shame should prevent the behavior.
Shame should be a “bad-idea stopper” in our lives. If we are tempted to do something stupid, or worse, we should imagine the shame we would feel. That should make us re-think the words we were about to say and the actions we were planning to take. It should even make us avoid certain thoughts.
Our world would be much more sane if everyone experienced this advance moral shame. Porch pirates would stop pirating. Senseless evil would slow. Life would be easier for everyone. Simple personal morality would bring wonder to life.
“Everyone does it!” is the excuse of the shameless. It is also not true. Everyone does not do it, if truth be told.
“I’m not as bad as others!” is another excuse. It is also insignificant. If 100 people lie. Do we really line them up in order of how bad their lie is and the smallest lie 50% get a pass? No. Aside from the rare event where lying saves someone’s life from their potential killer, all lies have an element of bad. I’ve written about this before, parents should avoid doing many things to be examples for their children (examples: avoiding foul language, getting stoned, or telling lies).
“I’m a good person!” is just one more excuse. Merely NOT murdering your father in cold blood does not make you “good.” Goodness is a long-term behavior based on moral decisions. It is not a comparison. There would be nothing wrong with 99% of people being good … if they really were. I wish we had more good people than we do.
See! Excuses are a dime a dozen.
What aren’t a dime a dozen are people who feel shame for bad behaviors and have determined to avoid them in the future. Avoidance of bad choices is the practical purpose of shame. So is knowing that you sincerely are good and are determined to stay that way.
We are not talking here of family shame, or societal shame, or false shame. We are talking about personal shame for failing to live up to valuable standards. We should live up to high standards. Failure should cost us something. Actually, that makes incredible sense.
I sense that several readers are slack jawed with disgust. They are spitting mad at me for claiming that shame is good. It is because they have missed almost everything I said to this point.
I’m talking about value-oriented, ethical shame. There’s another word for this particular type of shame: CONSCIENCE.
Not talking here about disappointing others. Not talking here about others wagging fingers at someone. No! This could be called “Roadmap” Shame…Things you do because they are right…Things you do NOT do because they are harmful or lead to bad ends. A good roadmap takes you on the correct roads and give the greatest personal reward (a 20 minute drive to the next town rather than a 3 hour one). You keep your promises not because someone else is holding you accountable, but because your conscience responds with satisfaction.
That kind of shame is good.
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]
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