GETTING BACK WITH AN EX
The first question on everyone’s mind is the first question you need to answer: “What has changed?” Understand that fewer than 44% of couples actually TRY to do so, but should you?
I once was on a decision-making committee. One member failed to live up to his obligations and was fired. Less than a year later another member suggested he be re-hired because “enough time had passed” (as though time had solved his failure). Time is NOT close to a good enough reason to allow a failure back in your life. It is often merely an invitation to repeated failure.
OK, so Sue is rude to you. You walk away from the relationship. Two years have passed. Has time changed Sue? I think you’d have to know 17 other details before you could make that decision. Time alone? Nope! The only thing time alone solves is found in death…that person cannot treat you badly ever again.
Actually, “What has changed?” is not only the first question; it is the most important question to answer.
IF one of you has had a change in behavior, attitude, circumstances (other than being older), THEN there are other questions to answer. If nothing has changed, it won’t work.
It is a decision-tree issue. This decision-tree’s default position is “NOPE.” What do you have that will overcome the default answer?
The same decision-tree could be used for returning to an old job, an educational degree program, or buying the same car you just sold. The issue is the same. I would hope you ended that situation for a GOOD REASON. The issue is “WHY should you go back?”
It is NOT the same issue as one would have if they were trying to decide to abandon the relationship or sell the car. One daughter was holding onto an old vehicle because of pride. She was showing herself that she had self control and that she thought she could get more use out of it before ditching. She did just that! 225,000 miles was her goal (50,000 miles on the tires) and she reached it. However, the AC was shot and the battery was aging. She needed a reliable ride to get her to her job. She bought a newer car and sold her old one. I don’t think she has any desire to re-purchase the old faithful friend. It served its full function and it is time to move on.
A few considerations:
CHANGE. So, what indicates a true change? To know THAT one needs to have a vividly clear view of what the original problem was. Did he cheat on you? How are you going to FIX that? Character flaws are among the most difficult to solve. Thus, WHAT CAUSED the break-up? Have sufficient changes occurred? Before my daughter would buy back her old vehicle there would have to be a lot of changes (Rust, Bald Tires, AC, Battery, Passenger Window Motor). She KNEW what problems it had and she wouldn’t want any of them back.
Things that don’t need to be changed? Money in the bank. Able to command one’s own decisions. Following through on projects. Caring about your friends.
NEED. Ick! Some people NEED someone, anyone. Do you? Maybe that is something which also needs to be changed within you. If you can live without another, THEN you are ready for a healthy relationship.
Then, I have noticed that there are some men and women who can’t see past the ONE person. He or she is fixated. That is also not healthy. The reality is that there is not a ONE person for you, there are several who would be right IF you are right. So, a deep dive into yourself is needed to find the improvements YOU should make before starting any relationship, and especially before going back to a failed one.
STOP. Before following through with this choice evaluate your resources. Do you have the finances? Do you have the emotional energy? What about your family and friends (they went through the break-up, too, and they won’t want to re-engage quickly)? Neither children nor pets will appreciate being bounced about. Should I mention that neither of you may be the same persons you were; can you give up the old version of the relationship (it won’t be the same … hopefully). So, what are you planning for the NEW relationship? Have you discussed it?
Let’s evaluate the person who claims “it will be better this time.” What “extra” will each person bring to the table? It will take extra. The vapid claim that “we’ll work it out” isn’t a satisfying answer (it usually is a lie you tell yourself). Something awful happened, and unless both parties change it may be awful again. Something exposed the WORST in both, what will you do to stop that from happening this time?
ROCK SOLID. We talked about NEED (above), but there is another side to that coin. I have already hinted at this aspect, too. YOU need to be healthy. Anchored to a rock, not to another person. If you are not, this would be a great subject for your next therapy session. Find that THING, or better, that self-worth, that life-purpose, or that faith in a higher power, which gives you the ability to see the world in a realistic light (no rose-colored glasses).
Unfortunately, many folk get hooked on having “something” outside of themselves when the best ROCK is inside. It is something which can never be stolen, never lost, and never used up. For some who have patched things up with a spouse, this was the reason they could do so with confidence.
In a recent study I was exposed to the value of humility. The definition has nothing to do with being a push-over. It has to do with realizing who you are, and what your “self” bucket holds. You come to every relationship and decision with the same bucket and personhood. Pride (the opposite of humility) is thinking you can solve your own issues (and those of another) by stubborn determination. You may be stubborn, but that isn’t the solution to anything.
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
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