GUEST POST from Don – Co-Habitation: So, You Are Going to Move In?

CO-HABITATION:  SO, YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE IN?
Part Two

2. DECIDE HOW TO SHARE EXPENSES

Jobless.  Listen, it’s just silly to allow a partner to move in when he or she does not have sufficient income to share the expenses equitably.  Would you advise a friend to allow a deadbeat to move in?  Nope!  One can make short-term exceptions (i.e., she is finishing her degree in 2 months and has good reason to expect employment soon thereafter).  However, blind love will not solve this kind of problem.  There may be some very good reasons your partner is unemployed (or the reasons may be no education, no training, no experience, or no motivation).  Will those reasons change just because YOU are paying his/her bills?  Will you wonder if your partner is moving in BECAUSE of your money?

If you are the “stay-at-home” partner in a new relationship, what happens if the relationship ends.  You have no job, no car, no house, no insurance, and no money.  That could be bad.  Even newly married folk should each have a job and resources of their own.  Stay at home if you want, but you should have $10k in the bank.

Paradise Lost.  Please! Never move in BROKE.  If things go “south” you need to be able to get out immediately.  That takes lots of money.  You should have a “get out of Dodge” fund that will take care of you in that event.  You should never feel financially trapped.  Additionally, think smarter before moving across country to be with someone.  Phone?  Transportation?  Job?  Friends and family?  You need a personal emergency plan (let’s hope you never need to use it).
Being Reasonable (with Expenses).  “One of the first conversations a couple should have before moving in together is how expenses will be paid,” said Wynne Whitman, co-author of “Shacking Up: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned.”  The second conversation is what will happen if one of the partners fails to live up to obligations (Is he allowed one goof?  Or is she out immediately?).

“Experts agree that it is important to find a fair way to split costs — evenly may not be fair because your incomes are not equal.”  Often, you are choosing a more expensive location and one of you would not choose if alone.  “’Is every expense split 50-50?’ Whitman said. ‘Is there another arrangement if one partner earns more?’”

“She proposes, ‘Making a decision and sticking to it removes a lot of stress.’”

Since you have not yet spent enough time together to know how the other operates in the real world, that should be an intentional part of your observations during this time.  How much financial wisdom does your partner possess?  If you are looking at “is he/she a permanent partner” you need to know whether your he or she grasps the importance of saving for the future, budgeting, and honesty.  Many couples find that they don’t match financially.  This is serious.  It can be a quick deal breaker.  Studies show that a high number of young adults have “financial infidelity” issues.  Does she spend money she should be using to help pay the rent?  Does he buy a new expensive set of golf clubs when they are planning a vacation?  These show poor judgement.

3.  KEEP IT SIMPLE

We will discuss this more later, don’t over-complicate your lives.  Please use birth control.  Please avoid large purchases together, like a car, house, farm, or business.  If you are hell-bent on destroying your relationship there are many easy ways to do it without involving kids or a mortgage.
  
In two weeks I will post an explanation about why co-buying is a bad idea.  When reading THAT post on CO-BUYING come back and review THIS post.

4.  WHEN TO CO-MINGLE FINANCES

Don’t rush.  In a recent Fox Business article, “Kevin O’Leary ‘forbids’ couples to merge their finances, warns lacking financial identity could spell disaster…”
“Couples who have just moved in together probably don’t want to rush into combining their finances, including accounts and assets, Whitman said.  There is time for that.”  (“When?”  That should be part of the plan.  Is it at or before “permanence?”)

“For shared bills, you can have a small joint account, ‘with each partner contributing monthly,’ she said.”

Think about it and you will realize that moving in together can be nothing other than a temporary arrangement.  You don’t even know if you will be able to stand her snoring yet, so how do you know if you will be able to stand the way your partner spends money?  

Financial Test.  Benjamin Seaman, a psychotherapist, says that “taking the step of cohabitating is a kind of test run to see if your relationship can stand.  That’s why it’s important to try to do things right.”  Unfortunately, I question whether many couples know when the “test” is finished.  If you are “waiting” until you can afford a house, how are you working toward being able to afford the house?  Where are you (both) placing that financial (and relational) priority on your lists?  Talk about it.

“’Put your cards on the table, come to an understanding of where you are and where you want to be, and use this as a chance to learn about each other’s raw spots and strengths,’ Seaman said.”

Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Whitman suggests, “just as cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming need to be done on a regular basis, so do certain financial tasks.”
According to certified financial planner, Sophia Daigle, “it is a good idea for couples to have money dates once a month to discuss their financial worries and goals.  ‘Continuing these conversations will help hold each other accountable,’ she said. ‘Make it into a fun topic rather than a taboo.’”
It might be fun to write out your goals and your plans for achieving them AS A COUPLE.  Then you can create accountability points (and gain pleasure from meeting shared goals).

For instance, my wife and I have never blown a grand without consulting each other.  We always had an “our goal” with finances, never a “my goal.”  As a result I never felt “hindered” when I couldn’t buy a bass boat when we needed money to buy school clothes for the kids.  The goal was a family goal and I was part of that family.  Seeing the money going for the set goal was more rewarding than doing  something selfish.  So, one part of the financial “test” is seeing how selfish the other is with finances.

In the next segment we will discuss two parts of planning for your future.

[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]

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