TATTOO IT
I just read the most sensible thing in ages about practical tattoos.
Of course you’ve heard of people who have tattooed permanent eyebrows in the correct location just above their eyes. That’s smart. Of course, never do it while drunk in Jamaica or you may end up with tattoos which turn green over time (green eyebrows are nasty unless that’s what floats your boat).
One man had a mustache tattooed on his upper lip. He hates the bother of constantly trimming the stache so he just shaves normally every day and saves hours every week.
Another frequent ER patient had her DOB tattooed on the back of her right hand. She doesn’t have to say a word when they ask for it. Practical!
I should get my own phone number done the same way. I never remember it, rarely carry my phone anywhere (I don’t understand why people carry around those little boxes all the time…never needed to do that as a young adult, so why now?), and folk are always asking. I say, “I don’t know. I never call myself.”
However, one man found out the hard way (when he was just being friendly) that not every person accepts friendly. Some people have their own set of “trigger words” that no one else knows they have UNTIL someone speaks them aloud. “Don’t call me ‘lady,’“ a customer retorted. “My pronouns are NOT ‘she,’ ‘her.’“ Maybe you should tattoo your “trigger words” on your forehead with red ink, please, so everyone can be in on the joke.
The alternative (in black ink) are the things you deem important for everyone to know: like, your pronouns, your “special” words (“Call me Queen Dave”). Most folk have trouble enough remembering to clock in at work, let alone keeping a list of appropriate pronouns and titles tucked away for conversations. One teacher calls all his students by last name ONLY. He once had two with the name of “Jones” so he referred to them as “Jones 1” and “Jones ii” … so much easier than trying to remember 20 different pronoun combinations. Last name became their permanent pronoun and he was never in danger of losing his job over “free speech” issues.
Some folk have so many tattoos, and in so many places, that there is no place left to do either.
Let me say for the record that I have NEVER attempted to understand anyone’s tattoo. If I wanted to look at blurry, confusing art I’d go to the museum and walk around without my glasses. I figure HE likes whatever it is and that’s good enough for me. SHE thinks the ink is attractive; I disagree but then there are people who eat snails. I’ve only seen a few logical ones. The eyebrows, the mustache, the lady (not to offend) who had a quaint tiny semi-colon on her wrist (because she said, “I’m not finished yet”).
Life choices and medical stuff would make practical tattoos. For example, if you are diabetic, tattoo that on your wrist. If you do not want to be revived when your heart goes into a non-sinus rhythm, maybe have block letters “DNR” on your chest along with a medical symbol. Those could be helpful in emergencies.
A star around your belly button? Are you a WHO character in a play based upon a Dr Seuss book? Not very practical. A dragon on your back? You do know that dragons like that have never existed! Your tattoo is pure fantasy. A boyfriend’s name? Eeeew! That greasy guy will be gone before the angry swelling goes down.
Use permanent ink for PERMANENT stuff. I put a permanent ink dot on my athletic sock bands when the socks are beginning to wear. Then I know I should NOT wear it when going somewhere special, like for my annual physical. It is still OK for doing yard work. The sock’s condition will not improve and the dot marks it for eventual dismissal. I wouldn’t do that to a body I want to keep a while longer.
I also cross lines through list items that are completed or that I’ve decided I no longer wish to accomplish. I wouldn’t write a “bucket list” on my body and then have lines tattooed through them once I’ve “done that.” That is why I have scrap paper. My body is not “scrap.”
I tried looking up “practical tattoos” and discovered that almost no one knows what “practical” means (or maybe AI doesn’t). Don’t trust ignorant people with something so permanent. Don’t put something there that gives you something to do when you need to waste time (like tic tac toe). I think it might be even better to have a “Jarts” target on your body?? Let’s be deadly serious for a moment … what is “practical” about posies? Some folk THINK that posies are “practical.” This is because so many high school grads still can’t spell or even do simple math … they don’t have two brain cells to rub together. You should be able to know what is “important” before you mar your body with some permanent marking. Just because you have the money (on Monday) doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it before the money is gone (on Tuesday). There should be a “higher reasoning” test.
I recently was in a conversation with a 50 year old (with no tattoo) and he learned from me that October (the 10th calendar month) actually means 8th (Oct is short for 8 sided, as in octagonal), and September (the 9th calendar month) actually means 7th. Also, November (means 9) and December (10). I blew his mind. He asked, “Who decided where to put the months on the calendar that way?” By the way, we happened to be talking about something related, but not that, at the time.
We taught our preschool kids stuff most people have no clue about. For example, we explained to those young minds that the sun really does not rise in the morning, rather where we are on the planet TURNS TOWARD the sun in the morning. We also explained by going around a curve in the car causes you to lean away from the curve (centrifugal force). They understood the physics before they learned math. We also taught them how to discover north when traveling and what that looks like on a map. Young children understand maps quite well, by the way. They even understand diagrams of a house. We’d ask, “On this diagram of our house, how would you get to the kitchen?” They could easily trace a correct path. They merely transferred what they already knew to a representative “map.”
Instead of getting a tattoo maybe you should spend your time and money actually learning practical stuff, like the meaning of “practical,” how to read a physical map, and how to count money. Permanent brain knowledge is far superior to a permanently inked body.
But you can do what you want because, even if you don’t understand much else, it is your own body, and somehow you have the money.
Copyright 2026 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
ALSO, Don is always open to offer his thoughts on various topics. If you have a specific request, you can let him know in a comment; he reads – and replies to – them all. ~ Sherry]
See more GUEST POSTS from Don
Comments