“THE BEST IS YET”
by Donald Whelpley, ©️2025
Richard knew, to quote Arthur C. Brooks, “the secret to happiness isn’t falling in love; it’s staying in love.” He had for most of his adult life. Sadly and unfortunately, that relationship ended naturally, as all “forever” relationships do, through the death of one’s spouse. Then what? You can’t put the genie back in the bottle and start over. There might be a new love, but he knew that no new love would ever replace that which he had “forever.” He missed her every waking moment. He only got to spend time with her in his dreams, but those times were precious.
No matter what anyone says about loss, there is no way to describe it correctly. For some there is thanksgiving after the love of a lifetime dies a slow, painful death. The one remaining would never want to keep holding on until all that remained were pain and suffering. For Richard, his love left with a brief illness, and few days in the hospital, and then months of numbness mixed with solid grief.
Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. was a Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the leading authority in the world (at the time) on learned helplessness. In one of his books he admitted: “My profession spends most of its time … trying to make the troubled less troubled …. but somehow psychology never gets around to the complementary goal of making the lives of well people even better.”
Richard needed someone to help him with becoming even better. Self-help books, life coaches, counselors … all work against the worst of human problems. Making good better is the job of a good helpmate. He could use one now. He didn’t have a helpmate like that anymore. So, … being a man who made his own choices he chose to be his own helpmate. Every day he asked himself a simple question: “What would Helen tell me to do?”
The one thing all adults leaving mid-life fear is the dread “Nursing Home.” Richard had visited people he knew in nursing homes. Those were not good experiences. The smells, the untidy bodies sitting asleep in wheelchairs, the less than appealing foods … he determined HE would never be in one. He determined he would never again visit anyone in one. It seemed a cruel thing for a healthy ambulatory person to show off by walking in, and afterward walking out. It was cruel to remind the residents that he had an ability they no longer had. It seemed to be the saddest existence in the world.
Strange, how one day, when he asked “What would Helen tell me to do?” he was counseled by her in his memory to be a better person by volunteering at the local nursing home. He didn’t trust that mental suggestion. He decided to write it down as a possible option, but not to do anything about it. That was, until two days later when he saw his neighbor, Dave, and struck up a conversation. He asked, “Dave, what is your greatest fear?” Dave took it as a legitimate question, thought for a minute and said, “Being forced to go into a nursing home. Why?”
Richard responded, “Helen told me to volunteer at one. Not Helen exactly, but I often ask myself what Helen would tell me to do if she were alive.”
Dave responded. “Wow! That is one powerful ask! You volunteer to let your wife tell you what to do? I avoid that whenever possible.”
Richard chuckled, “Yah! I see what you mean.” Then the conversation took a turn and they discussed the weather, weeds, and fishing. As they were about to part Dave became serious again and said, “You should do it!”
“Do what?” said Richard.
Dave said, “You should volunteer at the nursing home. I’ll come with you if it is a Saturday.”
That fixed it for Richard. He didn’t have to do THIS ONE alone. “I’ll make some calls and let you know.”
Two weekends later the neighbors met the activities director at Sunnyside. “What skills can you share?” The men said at the same time, “I thought you would tell us.”
They agreed to spend 3 hours every other Saturday helping the residents as the activities director directed. It wasn’t long before he no longer noticed the smells as much, or the untidy bodies, or the bland lunches. He was connecting with people who needed him far more than he needed them. And Dave found that some residents loved to paint (one of his hobbies).
After a few visits, they both agreed it was enjoyable.
Copyright 2025 Donald Whelpley
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