MARBLE JAR
Have you seen the video? Well known and respected, Dr. Brené Brown talks about the time her daughter was stunned by the betrayal by a “friend.” Dr. Brown developed the “Marble Jar Theory” of trust. She says that trust “builds slowly, ‘a marble at a time.’ Every time a friend keeps a promise, remembers something important, or checks in when you’re sick, that’s one marble in the jar. When someone betrays your confidence or lets you down, a marble comes out.”
Like many socialist explanations (like, “it takes a village…”) it sounds true until it is placed under a microscope. Let’s break it down into its three parts: Size of the Jar, Putting marbles in and, Taking marbles out.
Jar Size.
Size matters when it comes to the normal size of marbles. How many ordinary marbles will it take to fill a Pint Jar? How about a Quart Jar? See? If you’re going to use ordinary marbles with a quart jar I can’t imagine anyone who could keep track for EVERY friend. We need a better standard. I like a jelly jar size … much easier to track. I’m making fun, obviously.
Marbles In.
This part is important. Some people trust TOO SOON. Trust SHOULD BE a process. Those we choose to trust should prove to be trustworthy a little at a time. How can you do that “safely?” Start with really small marbles, small points of trust (telling someone a dream you had, for instance). If she is trustworthy with tiny stuff you can move on to medium sized marbles. He’d better be contributing HUGE marbles before you allow him to move in with you. Different kinds of trust demand graduated marble sizes.
Marbles Out.
This part is even more important. Some breaks in trust are tiny. For instance, you feel hurt that your friend didn’t invite you to her party. You dig out one of the foundational tiny marbles, look at it, then put it back in and select a medium marble to toss. If your husband cheats on you there are two choices with the marble jar: take out one of the largest marbles, or break the jar. The breaking of different kinds of trust demand graduated sizes of removed marbles.
Trust sometimes is a yes/no. Sometimes the break in trust is tiny, sometimes huge. The marbles aren’t all the same size. They don’t all carry the same weight. “He had intimacy with his secretary twice.” is not the same as “He forgot it was my mother’s birthday.”
Sure! But how do you explain “trust” to a third grader?
Not with marbles at all, but you can if you wish. I believe children can understand and deal with very big adult concepts like trust.
First, I would tell that child that trust is built on trust. “Never trust a friend with your expensive smartwatch until you know you can trust them with the fact that your favorite color is chartreuse (just between us).”
I learned not to trust everyone in the summer between second and third grades. A classmate, on the last day of second grade “borrowed” a nickle (the very word he used). On the first day of third grade I reminded him and he said he didn’t remember. Ooof! That was a lesson I never forgot. Gene didn’t care. He just wanted what a nickle could buy. It was an inexpensive lesson for a huge concept.
Trust is PRECIOUS. It is NOT a gift to be given or a right to be demanded, but a wage to be earned. Don’t allow any shortcuts to the process.
Second, I would tell a child that not only is trust built directly, you can also observe how a person behaves toward others. If some friend shares secrets or gossip about others, they aren’t being trustworthy. If a girl is destructive with her own toys, don’t allow her to borrow yours. If a boyfriend calls his ex-girlfriend a bad name, believe me, if you break up with him he will talk about you the same way. When people reveal themselves for who they are, believe them! Cheating, bad-mouthing, selfishness, and other failures will show up. Apply that truth to YOUR friendship with that individual.
Third, I would tell a child that building trust TAKES TIME. It can’t be earned quickly. The bigger the trust needed, the longer it takes. For those who are dating, that means it will probably take 18 to 24 months before she KNOWS she wants to marry him (she can trust him). Smaller things take less time. Is he a good enough driver for you to feel safe riding in his car? Well, if he is always riding someone’s bumper, the answer is “no.” If he is always looking at his phone instead of what’s ahead on the road, … Time will give you the answer.
On the other hand, losing trust can take hardly any time at all. If some event shows that you can’t trust as much as you imagined, don’t wait for another failure. Retreat! Put some emotional space between you and the other. It is a smart move.
Finally, I would tell a child that trustworthiness comes from two sources: Character and Ability.
When you find a person who is trustworthy you have found a person who has good Character. Trustworthiness often flows from “the heart.” It may be there already. Look for a friend’s character (good or bad) and you will see it.
Then, too, some LEARN the skill of being trustworthy, they develop the Ability. When a child experiences trust, like he sees a parent who always lives up to her word, that child develops a personal knowing of what trustworthiness “looks like.” Thus, you can learn to be trustworthy. You can develop the skill. So … this is where time matters … you allow others to change (with small marbles). Just don’t wait too long. You will see the truth if you watch for it.
Children are smart enough and, with a little training, can become experts at recognizing who they can trust.
Copyright 2025 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
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If we allow them, (even when we don’t), children can learn adult concepts. What holds you back from teaching philosophy? Science? Religion? Children understand all of these if allowed.
Unfortunately, there are some who think smaller or younger humans have small brains. My 4’11” friend is smarter than most 5’11” people.
By nature kids learn from the adults in their lives, whether said adults think they can, or want them to, or not – it is a huge responsibility to model for them the concepts they need to learn as they are “becoming”.
@owly
Agree.
Sadly, I see many parents who say, teach, nothing to their children (with the possible reality that the children don’t matter to them). Thus, history repeats.
What ticks me off about the “marble jar” illustration is that it assumes children are stupid. The doctor had to explain it in a way which accounted NOTHING for her child’s feelings…”Your pain is merely a marble in a jar.” Trust is an emotional response, based on facts. You don’t buy a set of dishes that way. You build relationships that way.