CONTEMPTIBLE RESENTMENT
We know about road rage and things like gaslighting because they are continually in the news or part of posts on the internet. Well! You know you can trust the internet to explain things well, right??? But what about Resentment and Contempt. Of the two I believe more people misunderstand Contempt. Resentment causes Contempt, rarely the other way around.
Taken too far Resentment will turn into Contempt according to psychotherapist Israa Nasir. That’s not a good look. Sometimes it is the only choice; thankfully not often. Better to attempt to defuse the Resentment early on. This is the BEST choice.
In a recent group discussion I couldn’t understand the illogic of a friend. I allowed my frustration to fester, simmer, then boil. I’m not proud of how I responded. Since then I have broken down the product and decided two things. First, he WAS illogical. Of that I am certain (and have proof). Second, I could have ignored. I could have chosen to let him think he was right. The subject at hand didn’t really matter. A lack of response would not have changed his mind, but neither did my frustrated response. In the end I had to apologize and he is still illogical.
I have to say this; Politics makes Contempt EASY. There are those who allow politics to derange them (talking about both political parties). They move quickly from Resentment that their candidate was not elected to Contempt for the winner. Sad, really! Common, too. There are FEW SAINTS in Washington or politics in general, and quite a few DEMONS. I would admit that there are more evil than good there (I speak again of both parties equally). Fair minded legislators would follow principal more than political agenda. Few are fair-minded. (And few in the community who have strong political bent are fair-minded, as well.) Contempt is a very powerful emotion which often FEEDS ITSELF. The recent murders in Minnesota, which were politically based, are proof.
I’ve become far less political as I age. I try to see truth, not party. Make a good law and I’m for it. Screw us with a bad law (like ACA…it didn’t anything as promised) and I’m not for it. I don’t care WHO passed a bad law, I’m against it. I don’t care WHO passed a good law, I’m for it. More bad than good are passed, it seems. The more pages to a law, the worse it becomes. I’d be against a 50,000 page law just because it is too big to be mostly good.
When there is no outlet for the Resentment, it grows. True whether your mother in law keeps insulting you, or when your boss makes unreasonable demands. Admittedly, there are times when you have no choice. In those cases, reduce exposure, find more creative things to do with your mind, or find a way to spend more time in positive relationships (balance bad with good). Do what you can to avoid creating a “stew.” Of course, you could talk with a therapist, too.
When you can deal with the problem, do so. There are good ways and terrible ways to do it. Accusations, pushing for your own way … not cool! Being open about what you would like to see, do, experience, based on respect for the other’s time, energy and openness, can open the door to fresh air and satisfaction. Word of warning: Keep it simple and keep it simple. Yup, I said it twice. If you want to spend more time with a friend who seems to be brushing you off just open the door and invite that person for a walk in the park or a chance to go for a coffee. Keep the time short, the expectations low, and the emotional overhead relaxed. If she says, “OK,” then you get some of what you want without making a big deal about it. One small thing can lead to another. (I’m an incrementalist … it works so doggone well!)
My guess is you or someone you know could use a bit of “cool-down” time, and a bit of a change of scenery in cranial cavity. You have recently ruminated (chewed the tasteless cud) of some Resentment. That behavior leads only one direction. I’m particularly good at this behavior, but I’m learning some different ways to change my thinking. It is very simple: Change the words you are thinking. Stop saying it is “unfair,” “wrong,” and “bad.” Change the words to minimally better “I don’t like,” or “not how I would have…,” or, even better, “I can handle this.”
Allie Volpe, writing in VOX refers to the words of therapist and registered social worker Audrey Kao: “Taking a hard look at resentments — and what causes them — can also be freeing. Admitting to yourself that you’re jealous and resentful … can feel uncomfortable because that means taking responsibility for your own unhappiness.” She concludes her article about Resentment this way: “But this is actually a very liberating thought to have, because that means that if we cause our own unhappiness, then we can also solve it.” Nice.
So, there is an easy way and a hard way. We can solve the unhappiness within (the easy way) or we can allow Resentment to stew and end up in a bad place (the hard way). I’m glad there’s something beneficial to do about this issue. It seems so many “solutions” are NOT solutions, but here is one which actually brings peace within. I’m for that!
Copyright 2025 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere.
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