FRIENDS?
As someone who does not easily friend it seems odd to counsel others on the subject. Anxiety is an enemy to developing friendships. However, anxiety is not the boss of me.
So, regarding friendships … because of my struggle I am overly cautious. I don’t need MORE stress or problems or agitations. As a result I think I have a better idea of what friendship is than the average bloke. I see many who have “friends” and I am, at first, jealous. Then I watch those friendships and I see things I would not call “friendly” interactions: bragging, and discussion hogging are two toxic issues; there are others. Those are not things I would ever associate with friendships. It only takes a few weeks of reading the columns by advice gurus to realize that there are a slew of folk who have gotten involved in toxic situations because they chose the wrong people to call “friend.” Toxic!!! Yes! Goodness yes!!!
My first rule when it comes to someone I am considering calling a friend: “Is there anything potentially toxic here?”
-Drug or alcohol abuse.
-Sports nut? Goes fishing at every opportunity? Has to binge-watch some TV series? Whoa!!! I want someone who is more even-keeled. They can watch sports, they can go fishing, they can watch TV … but is that more important than a friendship? For some, yes.
-Can’t decide.
-Asks for advice then ignores it.
-Borrows but doesn’t repay.
-Habitually late.
-Always asking for my time (but never returns the favor).
-Everything is about them.
-Has failed other friends.
Second rule: I don’t get involved to be abused or to abuse. I care about the person. That person should care about what is happening to me, too.
Once I thought I had a friend. Several years into the “friendship” I ended up in the hospital. The doctor ordered that I stay for observation until the next day. My daughter needed someone to pick her up from work (it was evening) and my wife was out of state for the weekend. I called my “friend” for help. He was “just sitting down to dinner.” There was no offer of later, or that he would call someone else. It was just “No.” I had never asked anything of this person before, but I thought that years of friendship and the urgency of the situation would have meant something. It was at that moment I realized that he was not who I had thought. I now have friends who are willing to drop everything to help in such a situation.
So, I was reading…(when does that not happen?) an article by Aditi-Shrikant posted on December 16, 2023 in CNBC called “How to Confront a Friend Who Never Pays You Back … (blah blah)”. My first thought was “You need a better definition of ‘Friend,’ dude, if you call someone that who never pays you back. THAT IS NOT A FRIEND!!! That is a “user.” An actual friend does not abuse your money, your time, your personal space, and so on. In other words, Aditi-Shrikant asked THE WRONG QUESTION. If you have to confront the person you first should be asking, “Is this person really a friend?“
Does that mean that one NEVER has to confront a friend? No. Sometimes, like anybody, friends make poor choices. However, once you remind him or her of the obligation a friend will automatically apologize and make good on a promise made.
I recommend that you should not put up with poor behavior by anyone, and especially by someone who you consider a friend.
Joe is chronically late for every event. Confront once. Then drop the friendship. A friend doesn’t waste my time (nor I, his).
Pete ended up at a restaurant without his wallet. You paid. He promised to repay, but hasn’t. Confront once (or “remind” if you like). If he is slow to repay he never gets a loan again.
Jill is always checking out what’s in my refrigerator. That’s personal space unless I’ve given her permission to “feel at home.” I’ll tell her I don’t like that. If she keeps doing it I may have to lose that “friendship.”
Hank always has to start a political argument. Ummm! Lose that phone number.
Maybe you have to put up with poor behavior from your Aunt Betty because she is at the same family events you attend, but you don’t have to invite her to YOUR events.
Speaking of loans … believe the adage “Neither a lender nor borrower be.” I’m free with my cash. Someone needs help and I have some flex in my budget, I’ll gift them $20. I tell them its a gift.
On the other hand, if someone says, “Can I borrow $20?” … that’s a loan. I hold them to their word. They created the legal verbal contract offer. If I agree the contract is complete. They owe a debt.
Choose your friends wisely. A poor excuse for a friend is never worth what you pay for it. A friend who is true is worth far more than you could afford.
Copyright 2023 Donald Whelpley
[PLEASE NOTE that Don is always open to discussing the thoughts and opinions he shares here and welcomes comments as shared in the comment section. He doesn’t use other social media platforms and won’t see whatever you’d like to share with him if you post it elsewhere. ~ Sherry]
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